Day Two

When R broke up with me two weeks ago because he realized he “still cared about (his) ex”, two thoughts ran through my head:

  1. YOU FUCKING LIAR, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE COMPLETELY OVER HER AND IT WAS “ONLY US”. Only you and me, you said. Only you.
  2. I should have seen this coming, but I wanted to fix things. Because I am a woman. And I like to fix things.

Well, three thoughts:

3. Lisa, you fucking idiot.

The third thought would come back to haunt me a week later – I was genuinely moving on at this point – when R texted me, saying he made a mistake and was wondering if we could make things work again. Of course I wanted to fix things! I am a woman. I like to fix things. We meet up on Saturday evening, and to no surprise (!) – he broke my heart. Again. Because he was unsure.

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Of course, on Saturday, I formed the opinion that him breaking my heart – again – was the worst thing to happen to me (Yes. Even worse than when I got hit on the head with that tear gas canister – and I wanted to die when that happened!). I mean, breaking my heart once is brutal. Breaking my heart twice is just… mean. Nobody deserves to be hurt by the same person twice, and I would not wish this on my worse enemy – I mean it. Of course, on Sunday, I formed the opinion that him breaking me heart – again – was still the worst thing to happen to me. AND THAT IS WHY, KIDS, you should never send an email when upset.

I could’ve sent an angry email. It could’ve been one full of expletives and personal attacks. It could’ve been one to rip him apart – God knows he deserves it after what he did to me… but it wasn’t. It was one that spoke the truth. One full of respect and admiration. One that contained love, in the face of pain. Because I chose to take the moral high ground. Because I chose to be the better person.

Thanks for the email.

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I could’ve cried and spent the day in bed (I couldn’t really, because I had classes to attend), but really, I mean, REALLY, was I going to waste anymore tears on somebody who saw me as a back up plan? Somebody who clearly treated me as second best? Me, Lisa J. Ariffin, whose talents include fitting 5 bananas into her mouth? I am not second best. I never will be second best.

So, instead of waiting around or looking for somebody to treat me with love and respect, I will treat myself with love and respect.

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That’s a joke, of course. You guys are amazing! Since my first post last evening, my phone has been going off the hook. It has made me realize what an ungrateful little shit friend I was for thinking that I was alone, and did not have anybody to talk to. All your kind wishes and support really makes moving on that much easier! So, thank you. Thank you for showing me kindness and love when I need it most. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. 

I’ve decided that I deserve only the best.

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I have also been smiling more, and people smile back. I smile so much now that a guy on the tube gave me a(n awkward) wave. That was a bit creepy. Note to self: Refrain from smiling too much at strangers on the tube.

I once told R that when we were together, the world seemed different. It seemed like a better place. It was colourful, brighter, louder, more exciting… happier.

I still believe that. Because although R and I are no longer together, the world is still colorful, brighter, louder and more exciting.

I will not allow this breakup to dictate how I live my life. I will continue to explore, to learn, to have fun. I will visit the places and do the things on the list I made for us, and I will appreciate the little things in life. To see joy wherever it may present itself. To remain calm, hopeful and positive through adversity. This is how I’m moving on. This is what I’m taking out of our relationship. This, and those beautiful memories we created. None of the pain, anger and frustration that we didn’t deserve, in the first place.

Because I am the better person.

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