Of feelings and other bullshit like that

WARNING: The following post may contain feelings bullshit.

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Many of you have commented through various means about how strong I am for moving on so quickly, or constantly having such a positive outlook on life despite all the shit that has happened – I would like to make it clear that I am only human, and I have feelings too. You do not see me struggle, but I do. I laugh. I go out. I have fun. I relapse. I cry. I have feelings too, after all.

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I find that writing really helps me manage my feelings and is a good way of seeking attention without being too obvious about it. Mainly, I am more aware of the various emotions I’m feeling and this makes it easier to deal with each of them appropriately.

For example, there are feelings of anger and resentment, which I channel to sports i.e. running, fencing and kickboxing.

Sadness and helplessness, which I channel to cupcakes, coffee and books. IN THAT ORDER.

Peace and contentment – yes, I feel them too, which I channel to cupcakes, coffee and books. STILL IN THAT ORDER.

Simply, I take whatever feelings I have and channel them elsewhere, because:

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And also because:

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But mainly, this keeps me motivated to live my life to its fullest:

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That aside, I (try to) see beauty and joy in everything that I do, especially the little things.

I mean, look at this beauty:

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And this bad boy:

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I have decided that life is too short to be on a diet (or diets, because some of you crazy like that). Plus, food makes me happy. Why would I deprive myself of happiness?

Additionally, instead of dreading to go to the places and doing the activities R and I had planned to go to and do together, I am doing it with people I value (and who value me!), like this beautiful motherfucker:

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Future barristers at play @Lincoln’s Inn.

Plus, if Inn dining is anything to go by – I still have it 😉

This girl flirt game strong. This girl flirt game so strong that the guy sitting next to me flashed me his dick. #nojoke

This guy, whose most used phrase that night was “I am an English gentleman”, thought it was appropriate to flash me his dick while we were walking to the tube station.

So I did the only thing I could think of – I bolted. IN HEELS. That’s quite impressive really, if you think about it. Me running in heels. Not his dick. Do not think about his dick.

You see? Beauty in the little things 🙂

Lastly, always remember:

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Be bold. Be brave. Take risks. Get out of your comfort zone. You can and will eat that whole fucking pizza on your own. You can and will get the shits. But I promise you, it will be worth it.

Lessons from Lisa: Getting over R

You guys. So some of you have been on the blog although I’ve not posted in a few days.

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I know stuff like this because I’m Asian and know everything. Also, because my blog stats told me so. So here I am in all my glory, back with another post because I need to rant. But mainly because you need something to laugh at – it might as well be my life.

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If you are reading this right now, this is for you.

A mate from university once told me I should write a book on all the amazing (debatable) things I have done in life, and why you should avoid doing them completely. (Debatable: Because I now have good stories to tell.)

You probably shouldn’t do that, Lisa – Oh, I am way ahead of you! I’ve already done it. My regret face is on fleek.

“But Lisa, your life is great.”

FOOLS. THAT’S WHAT I WANT YOU TO THINK.

For every achievement you see, are countless of mistakes and failures I have kept hidden from the world.

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(I swear my mother knows EVERYTHING. She even knows the future:

Mum to 8-year-old Lisa: You’re going to play piano for 10 years and get a diploma in music.

8-year-old me: No.

Mum: *takes out cane* Yes, you are.

18-year-old Lisa: I have a music diploma now. Can I stop playing the piano?

Mum: You will play the violin for the next 5 years until you start working.)

As much as I would like to go into details about my mistakes and failures, this post is about moving on from R. Because you know, he’s the whole reason I started ranting writing again. Also, because many of you have asked how I am coping so well after all that’s happened.

How to get over R that twat your ex

1. Accept

Top of the list for a very good reason.

That afternoon R broke up with me because he realized he “still had feelings for (his) ex”, did I accept the breakup and walk away with whatever dignity I had left in me? Hell no. I spent the rest of the day with him, secretly hoping he would change his mind at some point and take me back – he didn’t, obviously.

A week after the breakup and with limited contact, did I accept R was trying to make things work with his ex and was never coming back to me? Hell no. I checked my phone every 5 minutes, hoping for a text that never came, imagining scenarios for if he did come back – he didn’t, obviously.

Although it hurt like a bitch the second time he broke my heart (you know, when he thought he had “made a mistake” but subsequently changed his mind… again), it made realize that if R wanted to be with me, he would – no excuses, no frills. He would not have left me. Twice.

So I accepted the breakup. I accepted that he was never coming back. I put my phone away. I deleted all the messages and photos. I threw out the gifts. I accepted that my new life did not involve R. But now I had other things to do.

2. Friends

Rant.

Rant to friends.

Don’t have friends? Start a blog. That way, you’re ranting to everyone who has an Internet connection. Who needs friends when you can have stalkers?

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Remember, you are never alone. I was silly enough to think that before, but not anymore. I now have stalkers.

(I would like to thank everyone who is reading this blog, and who has sent me messages of concern and/ or support. Special thanks to those who talk to me everyday – you know who you are.)

3. That thing you want to do – JUST DO IT.

Thinking about playing a new sport, or learning a new language? Want a career change? Want to approach the person you’re stalking? Just do it. What do you have to lose? (Disclaimer: You’ll likely lose lots of money taking up a new hobby and when if your second career fails, but you will gain a restraining order for the last one). Life is too short to not do the things you want to do.

So over the weekend I baked these bad boys:

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AND I ATE THEM ALL.

I did what I wanted to do, and it tasted (and felt) amazing! (Disclaimer: Eating too much of anything gives you the shits. Feeling good does not last for very long)

4. Make lists

Just like this one! Get all your ideas together on one document. Put them in order or mess them up, whichever you prefer. Organize your thoughts. Sort out your life. Here are some ideas to keep you going:

  1. List of potential stalker victims
  2. List of books you hate
  3. List of flowers starting with Z
  4. List of what’s in your bin
  5. List of what’s in your neighbor’s bin
  6. List of your crush’s sleeping habits
  7. List of mates with a fit mum and/ or dad
  8. List of lists

5. Identify priorities

It could be anything. Your family. Your friends. Your job. Your cat. Your 10 cats. When you have identified what’s significant to you, make it/ them your priorit(ies).

I have identified my priority as cake. My priority in life is to ensure I eat cake at least once a day.

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Who says you can’t have cake and eat it too?

6. Love yourself

So you’re single now and don’t know where to channel all that love you had for your ex?

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Channel that unconditional love to yourself, because really – you deserve that love. Not anybody else. You. (Everybody else deserves conditional love.)

7. Look good

Workout. Wear nice clothes. Use too much perfume, like a Persian. Contour everything. Whatever you think makes you look good. Remember, you’re not doing this for anyone else. This is all for you.

Look at how I fucked up my hair:

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Did it bother me when D asked if I was wearing an ugly hat on my head? Hell no. Because I had spent too much money on it, and because I have a huge ego.

8. Food

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Enough said.

9. Music

A girl at my residential weekend gave a presentation entitled: Music is a healer.

I thought the presentation was complete rubbish.

But it does help if you have few songs to relate to. Here are a few of mine:

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No song to relate to? Write your own bad boy, just like I did. Can’t write music? Write poems instead. Here’s one to start you off:

Roses are red, violets are blue;

I cry myself to sleep, masturbating to photos of you.

10. Learn

Accept. Let go. Move on. Appreciate. Learn. Grow.

Every failure, no matter how small, is a chance to learn and grow. Take it from somebody who has failed more times in her life than you can possibly imagine. Stay positive. Stay strong. Learn to appreciate the little things. See the beauty in everything. Life is not perfect, but it damn well be close if you want it to be.

And of course, always remember:

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Day 4

I would’ve skipped writing today (BLASPHEMY!), but I’m actually getting messages from fans friends asking me to update my blog. Aww, I’m so glad you enjoy laughing at my life.

Today has got to be the most unproductive day I’ve had since moving to London, and I’ve had days when I just slept in all day – STUDENT LIFE, BITCHES!

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I guess I did a bit of exercise – I walked from the bedroom into the kitchen and made myself a sandwich, making sure I worked out both my legs and arms. I then carried the sandwich on a plate into the living room, honing my balance and coordination. I did this twice today, so that’s two sets in total.

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Also, K raised me music about my life and I ended up writing a song about R because I’m a little emo shit I couldn’t find one to relate to. You can listen to the beautiful amazing song I wrote here. I’ve posted its lyrics in the description, so that’s your laugh of the day.

Lisa always aims to please.

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Day Three

“Would you like to watch a show with me tonight?”, asks J.

But I’ve already made plans tonight… to lie on the couch, thinks Lisa.

“We could go for food before,” adds J.

Okay, says Lisa.

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And that, guys, is how you ask a girl out.

So that is how I’ve ended up going to a show tonight. Because I’m a woman Because I’m a glutton Because I like free food. I will probably regret this in the morning when I’m struggling to complete Professional Negligence homework, but hey – that’s for future Lisa to worry. Now Lisa is single. Now Lisa will go out and have fun.

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The hardest part about moving on, I find, is the sudden lack of communication between R and I. I mean, I have all these extra data on my phone now. They need to go somewhere. Pornhub. Pornhub is always the answer. To my future employers: That was a joke. I have never watched porn in my life. Please do not Google “Malaysian lawyer/ reporter eating five guys in London”.

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It’s a burger chain, okay? Get your mind out of the gutter.

No contact is difficult, but waiting around for R to hurt me again is idiocy at its finest. So today, I took evasive action. I have permanently deleted his number from my phone (again), attempted to forget his email address (WHY IS IT SO SIMPLE!?), and threw out the cards he gave me (close eyes, pick up cards, put in bin, take out bin while eyes shut, walk into wall). I’ve also deleted all photos taken on our adventures, along with any messages, emails or pictures I’ve ever received from R. As of now, it’s as though R never existed – hooray! 🙂

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Thank you. Thank you, you crazy mofo dictator.

As mentioned yesterday, I really could not have moved on this quickly without your support and well-wishes. (A former student sent me a message this morning saying she looked up to me, and that I was an inspiration. ME. An inspiration! Five-bananas-in-mouth-girl, inspiring people to do things!) I started ranting writing again as a means to overcome loneliness, but I realize now that I was never lonely. I have you lot! You wonderful, amazing lot.

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Thank you.

This was supposed to be a 30-day documentation (WHAT!? DON’T JUDGE ME) of recovery, but I daresay I am genuinely happy today, and it’s only day three. Perhaps I am stronger than I thought, after all. Perhaps all I needed was a little nudge from you.

Lisa’s (extended) moving on list:

  1. Keep annoying talking to friends. Because I’m never truly alone.
  2. Eat good food. By good, I mean proper tasty food. Life is too short for diets.
  3. I’ve started boxing lessons! It keeps me alert and focused.
  4. Take up dancing, says mum. Did you forget I got kicked out of dance class in Malaysia? I ask. That was when you were younger, she says. That was a year ago, I retort. Okay. Dance lessons then. I will learn to dance.
  5. Make more videos. Not those kind of videos. Although I have had requests (Note to perverts: Dig deeper on Pornhub).
  6. Be grateful. Every single day.

Day Two

When R broke up with me two weeks ago because he realized he “still cared about (his) ex”, two thoughts ran through my head:

  1. YOU FUCKING LIAR, YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE COMPLETELY OVER HER AND IT WAS “ONLY US”. Only you and me, you said. Only you.
  2. I should have seen this coming, but I wanted to fix things. Because I am a woman. And I like to fix things.

Well, three thoughts:

3. Lisa, you fucking idiot.

The third thought would come back to haunt me a week later – I was genuinely moving on at this point – when R texted me, saying he made a mistake and was wondering if we could make things work again. Of course I wanted to fix things! I am a woman. I like to fix things. We meet up on Saturday evening, and to no surprise (!) – he broke my heart. Again. Because he was unsure.

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Of course, on Saturday, I formed the opinion that him breaking my heart – again – was the worst thing to happen to me (Yes. Even worse than when I got hit on the head with that tear gas canister – and I wanted to die when that happened!). I mean, breaking my heart once is brutal. Breaking my heart twice is just… mean. Nobody deserves to be hurt by the same person twice, and I would not wish this on my worse enemy – I mean it. Of course, on Sunday, I formed the opinion that him breaking me heart – again – was still the worst thing to happen to me. AND THAT IS WHY, KIDS, you should never send an email when upset.

I could’ve sent an angry email. It could’ve been one full of expletives and personal attacks. It could’ve been one to rip him apart – God knows he deserves it after what he did to me… but it wasn’t. It was one that spoke the truth. One full of respect and admiration. One that contained love, in the face of pain. Because I chose to take the moral high ground. Because I chose to be the better person.

Thanks for the email.

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I could’ve cried and spent the day in bed (I couldn’t really, because I had classes to attend), but really, I mean, REALLY, was I going to waste anymore tears on somebody who saw me as a back up plan? Somebody who clearly treated me as second best? Me, Lisa J. Ariffin, whose talents include fitting 5 bananas into her mouth? I am not second best. I never will be second best.

So, instead of waiting around or looking for somebody to treat me with love and respect, I will treat myself with love and respect.

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That’s a joke, of course. You guys are amazing! Since my first post last evening, my phone has been going off the hook. It has made me realize what an ungrateful little shit friend I was for thinking that I was alone, and did not have anybody to talk to. All your kind wishes and support really makes moving on that much easier! So, thank you. Thank you for showing me kindness and love when I need it most. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone. 

I’ve decided that I deserve only the best.

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I have also been smiling more, and people smile back. I smile so much now that a guy on the tube gave me a(n awkward) wave. That was a bit creepy. Note to self: Refrain from smiling too much at strangers on the tube.

I once told R that when we were together, the world seemed different. It seemed like a better place. It was colourful, brighter, louder, more exciting… happier.

I still believe that. Because although R and I are no longer together, the world is still colorful, brighter, louder and more exciting.

I will not allow this breakup to dictate how I live my life. I will continue to explore, to learn, to have fun. I will visit the places and do the things on the list I made for us, and I will appreciate the little things in life. To see joy wherever it may present itself. To remain calm, hopeful and positive through adversity. This is how I’m moving on. This is what I’m taking out of our relationship. This, and those beautiful memories we created. None of the pain, anger and frustration that we didn’t deserve, in the first place.

Because I am the better person.

Day One

The day (today) I realized my ex – let’s call him R for Robert, was never coming back to me was the day after I sent him a heartfelt, sincere, well-structured (putting those barrister skills to use!) email and he responded the next morning with a simple: Thanks for the email. Not quite the response I was expecting after I spent hours drafting and editing and rewriting my heart, but there you go. Thanks for the email. End of contact, forever.

At least he said thanks, Lisa.

At least your mum likes you, rational-thinking-person.

But hey – far from losing my shit overreacting and doing something stupid (like text/ cry/ beg/ all 3), his response made me realize what a complete idiot I was to pine over something that was impossible to attain.

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Except making someone fall in love with you. (No hate. Ali is the greatest)

It made me think. You can’t win over feelings with hard work. BUT – you (definitely) can win at life with hard work. So I’ve decided that’s what I will do. I will win at life. With hard work. Without Rob. I mean, without R.

Day one is always the hardest. I spent the morning faking a headache in class just so I could get out of an advocacy exercise (I had to do it anyway). The plan after class was to go home and cry and feel very sorry for myself. #legitplan.

NO LISA, NO. No feeling sorry for yourself. You need to go out and do things. Explore. Expand your horizons. Keep yourself occupied. Do something that makes you happy. What makes me happy?

Food. Food is always the answer.

Food is love. Food is life.

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Just two assholes hanging out. What can go wrong?

So, I met up with the class asshole Nirvan (yes, who is a bigger asshole than I am) and we had food together – but not just any food!

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Malaysian food… The best comfort food.

Two minutes into mouth bliss, I got greedy and wanted a little more spicy tongue action so I approached the person behind the counter for more chili paste – BUT NO! No more chili paste for you, he said. Unless you pay me 60p, he added. Are you serious? I asked. Why wouldn’t I be? he answered. So I got my tits out  Can I have just a bit more? I asked, getting my tits out. I can’t do that, I’m afraid. We only have a limited amount of chili paste for our rice, he claimed. Please? I say again, batting my (very short and sparse) Asian eyelashes. Oh okay, but just this once! he conceded.

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Saved 60p today.

Nirvan and I talk about dicks over lunch, as you do. (To my future employers: “Dicks” is a term we use to call homework and important, mature stuff… like politics, current affairs, and the weather. I absolutely love dicks.) Where are you headed after lunch? I ask. To Temple, he says. Are you taking the tube? I ask. Are you retarded? he retorts.

I find out today that Temple is just a short walk away from Bar school, and that all those previous trips I took on the tube to Temple did not make any sense. Nirvs and I end up in Temple, and he takes me to his Inn. NO PHOTOS, OUTSIDER, they say to me. My Inn is better than yours, I think to myself but don’t say out loud.

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Thank you, Internet.

Middle Temple hall is cozy. We spy on barristers eating buffet lunch before realizing there was more to life than just watching people eat – no offense to those with eater fetish! So we head over to the newly opened Middle Temple bar/ lounge, where this epic photo took place:

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Whoa. When did I get so ripped?

That’s definitely going on Twitter, I thought.

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Of course, since I already binged during lunch, I might as well have cake and eat it too.

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This. Is. Amazing.

When I was out with Nirvs, I did not think of R even once. Okay, okay. I lie. But R was just a flickering thought that I had at the back of my mind, and when I mentioned him during conversations, it did not hurt as I thought it would. In fact, it was liberating to talk about R without feeling any pain. I don’t deny that it was difficult, but it was not painful. Are my feelings for R dwindling so quickly? Perhaps they are. Or perhaps this is a coping mechanism, and I will lose it completely in a couple of days. Only one way to find out!

The best part about today was realizing (thanks to Nirvs) that I shouldn’t put my life on hold because I had my heart broken by one guy. Sure, the decisive reason to stay in the UK was to be with R, and pupillage was a means to achieve that. But this isn’t about R anymore. This is about me. This is about me choosing to stay in the UK, and sticking by that decision. Although the motivation for staying has changed, the end goal has not. I am still capable of securing pupillage on merit. I want to stay in the UK because of the competition, and I am always up for a challenge. I want to grow as an individual and strengthen my resolve – what better way to do that than starting off with a broken heart? 🙂

Lisa’s moving on list:

  1. Get out of the flat at least once a day. Walk, explore, learn.
  2. Run. Run hard, run fast, run long.
  3. Write. To calm down, to gather your thoughts, to reflect.
  4. Read. To relax and get transported to another world.
  5. Focus on Bar school, and pupillage applications – this is my future, right there!
  6. Meet up with friends. Friends who care, friends who are supportive, friends who are fun.
  7. Cook, bake, make sandwiches. I belong in the kitchen.
  8. Fence. Poking, thrusting, grunting, and that really cute boy at the club.
  9. Sleep more. I lack sleep.
  10. Brush up on French and German – Hello, Duolingo!